permanent (probably) entries:

8/11/26

i have decided that one of the best ways to help people understand the way i was raised and the emotional struggle of leaving the mormon church is by having them watch under the banner of heaven. it's a seven-episode tv show about a true crime case that happened in utah in the 80s. the lead detective and main character, played by my boy andrew garfield #lovehim, is a good mormon man who starts to question his faith as he investigates the case. the show also goes into church history and has flashbacks to joseph smith, specifically they less known history that the church has swept under the rug.

although the church in the 80s was much more restrictive and sexist than it is now, there are still lots of members who hold similar beliefs. the culture i grew up in was slightly different, but i do feel like it is still an accurate enough portrayal. 

last night, i finished watching the show with my boyfriend and i think it was really eye opening for him. my boyfriend has never been religious, so it's hard for him to truly comprehend the culture and difficulty that came with leaving the church. in one scene, andrew garfield's character gets his hands on some "anti-mormon" literature, which is what the church labels anything that criticizes the church or documents history they want to hide. he sneaks off to his car in the middle of the night, so his wife doesn't see, and is so emotional he struggled to open the book for a bit. he begins reading in tears and ends up sobbing. 

at this point, my boyfriend asked if that was what it was like for me, and i was able to tell him just how accurate that portrayal was. i was taught my entire life to "doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith" and that some questions just cannot be answered here on earth. the only places i was supposed to go for information was church approved sources and websites or church leaders. from a young age, it was hammered into me that satan is trying so hard to destroy the church, so anything that critiques it or makes you feel uneasy or question the church is satan trying to tear you away from the one, true church.

even after i had started to lose my faith, it took me a while to actually read/watch anything that portrayed the church in a negative light. there was something so deep inside of me that still believed it was evil to research those things. i think i also knew deep down that once i started to learn the truth, i would never be able to go back. there i sno way for me to describe how terrifying and lonely that feeling is.

i was raised in utah and leaving the church meant so much more than just leaving a religion. every single aspect of my life was impacted. my entire life was centered around mormonism. everyone i associated myself with was mormon: my family, neighbors, roommates, friends, coworkers. leaving comes with so much judgement and severed ties, and i was scared of what my life would look like if i left. 

choosing to leave the church completely broke me. every aspect of who i was revolved around being mormon, so not only was i having an extremely emotional faith crisis, i completely lost any knowledge of myself as a person. i lost who i was along with what i believed. 

i was lucky enough to find an opportunity that let me leave utah, which made it possible for me to leave the church and explore who i actually was. i was already stripping away every aspect of my life, it was better for me to live somewhere where i truly could start from scratch. i came to stl not knowing a single soul, including myself in a way. in the 2.5 years i have been here, i have grown into a person i actually enjoy and am proud of. it's crazy seeing how much i have grown in such a short time. 

i think of myself even a year ago, and there was so much that girl did not know yet. i know i am still growing and learning how to be a "normal" person, but that is so beautiful to me. i feel like i am a toddler again in a way, like how a one-year-old who is 12 months versus a one-year-old who is 23 months are so vastly different. i feel like i am growing into myself at a similar rate.

8/5/26

adding my thoughts to the recent discourse about enjoying growing older:

something that i have noticed is that miserable children can turn into happiest adults, as long as they put in the work to heal. i absolutely love being an adult and being in charge of every single aspect of my life. 

i think a lot about my younger self and i imagine that we would both be sad for each other. i am sad for her all the time, thinking of simple joy, love, and kindness that she never got to experience. you don't really know how bad you have it until you get out of it. i know if i were able to meet a teenage version of myself, she would be sad, angry, and scared of who she turned out to be. however, that only makes me more motivated to continue building my life the way i have been.

i think of my younger self as a caged bird. deep down there was a feeling that i wanted something different, but the cage was all i knew. i was taught to love the cage, that it kept me safe. i began thinking everyone who was not in a cage had to have such a sad, disappointing life. i didn't know why people chose to leave and live a life outside of the cage's safety. i was constantly told how lucky i was to be born into that captivity.

although that was terrible for me, i believe it also made me so much more appreciative of normal life outside of the cage. my body, thoughts, desires, and actions never felt like my own up until i became an adult and left the cult/church. the transition period has been hard and will most likely continue to be hard for the rest of my life, but it has also brought me so much joy.

i imagine autonomy can be overwhelming for those who have had it most of their life, but it is so refreshing to feel like i finally have complete control over myself.

i think of my sweet boyfriend, who was raised in a good, loving home. he had an amazing childhood and thinks back on it fondly, so much so that he feels a sense of grief over the fact that he will never get to be a kid again. adult life feels like his freedom has reduced, which is in exact opposition to my feelings on adult life. 

overall, i think adulthood gives people the opportunity to give themselves the life they want. for those who had a childhood that was good, adulthood means adjusting from having a good life provided to them to providing it for themself instead. i can understand why this would come with some apprehension and sadness. for those who had a childhood that wasn't desirable, adulthood means finally being able to have a good life.

7/29/26

i've been reflecting a lot on my life ten years ago and how different i was then. i was 15, on the verge of turning 16, and hoped that a good, mormon girl happily ever after was right around the corner. 

mormon teenagers are not allowed to date until they are 16, and even then, they are not supposed to date anyone exclusively (polygamy precursor???). ideally, mormon teenagers would go to dances with a big group, go on double/group dates, and not go on more than a few dates with the same person. i believe this is for a few reasons: 

1. this prevents mormon teens from getting too close with someone of the opposite sex, which prevents premarital shenanigans. even making out with someone in high school is frowned upon/viewed as slutty (especially for the girls, who are supposed to keep their brothers in christ on the path of righteousness and not let their bodies be temptations). 

2. this prevents mormon teens, specifically boys, from getting too attached to someone before they serve a church mission. 

so, ten years ago as younger me was on the cusp of turning 16, i was finally able to think dating was a possibility. i was, however, a teenager who had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, no idea who i actually was, and so deeply repressed any ounce of personality in order to fit a "meek, godly woman" mold that i did not talk to any boys, let alone get close enough to one to be asked on a date. before i turned 16, i was able to brush this off as "boys aren't interested in me because i'm not 16 yet". as silly as it was, i thought this would magically change once i was of dating age. 

shockingly, boys were not suddenly interested in me once i turned 16. although i was sad about not going on dates/going to dances in high school, it didn't bother me too much usually. i knew that it didn't really matter at this age, because any boy i talked to would end up leaving for two years after we graduated anyways. additionally, with my birthday being in september and being the youngest in my grade, i wasn't 16 until my junior year had already started. i only had about two years of opportunity to date, and my senior year was so busy with me working and also doing both high school and cosmetology school, dating was not on my radar that year.

not dating did not stop me from picturing a life in the near future where i was married. for as long as i can remember, my only goal/desire in life was to get married and have a bunch of kids. my biggest aspiration was to be a mother, even as a small child when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i would answer "a mom". 12 was when i really started being conditioned for a domestic responsibility. 

starting at age 12, kids begin going to sunday school with the teenagers instead of the children. church was three hours, split into sacrament meeting with the entire congregation, sunday school with everyone in your age group, and sunday school with everyone of your same gender in your age group. for girls aged 12-17, this is called "young women's".

the young women's program was divided into three age groups. the names have since changed, but when i attended there were the beehives (12 and 13), mia maids (14 and 15), and laurels (16 and 17). the young women's program included sunday school as well as a weekly activity on either tuesday or wednesday night (the same went for the teenage boys). girls also had a "personal progess" program that was essentially a book of requirements to do in order to be a good mormon girl. most of these involved learning how to care for a home.

for the girls, lessons and activities were typically centered around being a virtuous woman, wife, and mother. i remember making lists as early as 14 about qualities i want in a future husband. during key developmental years, the concept that my purpose in life was to care for a man and children was shoved down my throat. a quote that was once motivational for me was "your greatest accomplishment may not be something you do, but someone you raise". i saw every woman in my life disappear behind the role of wife and mother, forced to be a supporting character in their own lives. i thought that was the epitome of holiness. 

growing up in this environment, i truly thought that i wanted to be married by twenty. i also truly thought that would happen for me. much like my naive idea that guys would suddenly be interested in me once i turned 16, i thought guys would suddenly be interested in me once i was 18 and of marriage age. i moved out to college when i was still 17 (just for a few more weeks) and spent the next three years of my life deeply lonely and depressed. i was surrounded by everyone else my age searching for marriage. very quickly, the number of my friends who were married started to outweigh the number of friends who were not. 

mormon dating/marriage culture is highly supportive of people getting married young and fast. for the great majority of people, the time from their first date with their spouse to their wedding day is less than a year. most women are still teenagers when they get married, and most men are in their very early twenties. my first year of college, i had five roommates who started off the year single. one was engaged by the end of the first semester and married by the end of the school year. two others were engaged by the end of the school year. i was 18, and three of the people i lived with found their "eternal companion" within nine months. 

on top of that, going to church after you turn 18 was essentially just attending god-centered dating events. there are "young single adult" wards (congregations) for people aged 18-26. most lessons and activities are centered around marriage. events where you were partnered up for games always meant a woman was partnered with a man in hopes that they hit it off and start dating. it was highly encouraged for men to ask women on dates while at church and highly discouraged for women to tell a man no to a date. it was very common to "ward hop", which meant you attended a service that was not with your assigned congregation/time in order to scope out new dating prospects. church was the number one place to look for and find a spouse.

although i am grateful now that i did not find a man who wanted to marry my young, brainwashed, naive, impressionable self while i was in college, it was excruciating at the time. i spent three years of my life in tears each night, begging god for someone to love me. i assessed every man i met for marriage potential, finding a husband was ALWAYS on my mind. i felt so deeply alone, unlovable, and undesirable. i was depressed and suicidal. i self-harmed in secret from the time i was 17 to 21. i felt like it was time for me to start fulfilling the one role i was put on this earth for, but it wasn't happening for me. i felt like something was wrong with me. i felt like i was running out of time. i felt like i was being punished by god. 

ten years ago, if you would have asked me where i saw myself in ten years, this would have been my answer: married for 4-7 years already, 2 or 3 kids (with plans for more), stay at home mom. that is what i thought my life would be like at 25. that is insane. 

now, at 25, my life is beautiful despite being nothing like i used to hope for. i truly have never been happier, and i realized this morning that i need to let myself sit in this period of my life and really enjoy it. i am very much in love with my boyfriend, and when i picture my future he is in it. i may look back on this in ten years and laugh at what i used to want, just like i do now, but i truly want him in the rest of my life. 

however, right now i live alone with two sweet, perfect cats in an adorable apartment, and i love this life. i love living alone. i love taking care of myself. i love knowing everything i have in life is because of me and no one else. i worked for this. i accomplished this. i gave myself this life. if the future is how i dream it to be now, this will be the last time i live alone. i want to hold on to this part of my life for a while. i want to feel like i was truly appreciative of being able to build my own life as a woman, since every other woman in my lineage did not have this opportunity.

how lucky am i that things did not work out. how lucky am i to have been forced to derail my life and land somewhere so beautiful. how lucky am i to experience being in love and while maintaining my own independence and life. how lucky am i to realize i am allowed to stay in this period of my life for as long as i desire. how lucky am i to realize i desire to stay in this period of my life. how lucky am i!!!